Always Yessing Me

I just wrote: “I feel like I’ve lost an entire year of my life but gained my entire future”.

What a complex feeling (by which I mean, shitty and confusing, of course). This last year has been a blur. A painful and heartbreaking year chock-full of mistakes…or growing pains, I suppose. A year in which I never thought I would survive yet now I am nearly thriving…nearly.

I want to to look back on our 16 year marriage with fondness. I want to tell people that we “just grew apart”. I want to say, “we are still such good friends”. But we aren’t…and I don’t want to be. And we didn’t grow apart…we never grew together. And there are few fond memories despite the fact that we almost always got along. And yes, I’d say that was one of the biggest problems and one of the things I have learned I need to work on.

I was watching The Americans and this scene comes on where a separated couple (Stan and Sandra Beeman) have a fight. Stan tries to do something to connect with his estranged wife…she isn’t impressed…he lies about his feelings and she calls him out on it by saying  “This was the big problem in our marriage.  You were always “yessing” me to avoid conflict and you weren’t being yourself“. He then tells her exactly how he feels and she walks away.

I watched this and felt like I was watching T and I having a fight…except that we never had that fight…because I was always yessing her…which means that clearly this past year has also brought growth for me. I can recognize issues that I brought into our marriage and work to not repeat them with others.

I’ve also spent time looking at T and asking myself if I am better off for knowing her? And…sadly…I struggle to answer that question…I hope in time that changes but for now…all I see when I look at T is the same insecure 17 year old girl who always plays the role of victim and desperately needs attention from everyone around her. And please don’t get me wrong, she has a number of great attributes I’m just not sure that any of them helped me grow.

So as I continue to reflect on this past year, and as I inch closer to the seemingly never ending struggle to get paperwork signed off by a judge to make this divorce official, I see a year marked by pain, sadness, and fear. And yet, as I look towards the future, I see a life full of joy, peace,  and growth. Continual personal growth.

Yes, I’ve lost a year to divorce…but I’ve also gained a future.

 

Always Yessing Me

Somewhere

Somewhere I tried to scale your wall
built before we even met
inside your heart to find
lonely and neglect.

Instead a role was assigned
and I fit right in
each sip, each word, destiny fulfilled
to be another left behind
as you grow
alone

The hardening of your soul
as you refuse to be hurt
and you hurt and are hurting

And somewhere there is a key
an answer to your puzzle
but I am just another

A life that once was
will you forgive
for all that I’ve done

I won’t apologize and
I won’t beg

I’m not your family now

I can walk away although I can’t leave
and I walk away and leave
pieces of a broken heart. Family. 

You cry and I cry and we never cry together
another reason
another excuse
why

And I ask and you wonder and wander and I ask
and it’s late and it’s tired and it’s over.

So I step back from your wall and slowly gaze up
and realize I never could

Some walls aren’t meant to be climbed
some souls aren’t meant to be combined
and you and I are better off

somewhere.

Somewhere

September 2nd

More pain than I have felt. Ever. Worse even than when Dave died. His death was final, I could mourn the loss and begin the healing process. This however, this is death that may never actually die. This is pain that I will be faced with for the rest of my life.

I cried myself to sleep last night, actually sobbed uncontrollably is probably more accurate…finally dozing off around 1 am only to be awake again at 2am and staying wide awake, in pain, hurting, until 4am.

I went for a run. A 4am run. In the dark, with the pain. Maybe I can out run it. No. 2-1/2 miles in and I was crying again. Running. Crying. Darkness. Darkness in the dark.

It’s 5:30am now. I’m sitting at the kitchen table…in tears…trying to write through them…hoping I don’t wake the kids. Yesterday I had a clear vision of what I wanted, T&I to come together to try to work through our issues but she wasn’t interested. I thought, perhaps, for the children if nothing else, that she would be willing to slow down, take a side step, see if we can repair our friendship and then make this decision in a better place. No.

No.

I had many dark thoughts last night…so much pain…even still. I’m going to have to try and put one foot in front of the other today. Just to make it through. Up until now I haven’t felt hopeless. Now…

I want her here with me. I never want to see her again. No. Be real. Be honest. I want her here with me and I want this *******pain to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could have been enough for her. I wish. Too many wishes and not enough…what? Enough what? If only I knew I could fix this…

The sun is coming up. It’s going to be a long day.

 

September 2nd

Should I stay or should I go?

I’m heartbroken. I miss our family so much. Even the few short moments we spent together tonight were comforting. I wish she would have sat down with us for dinner…standing off to the side, like she was already gone…it was hard, and still so wonderful to be together, as a family.

Afterwards we walked and talked divorce. We didn’t fight, although we could have. Our ideas on love are so different.

She says she knows without a doubt that she cannot be vulnerable with me ever again and so she knows she can never love me in that way. If she is right I need to move on. But what if she is just still hurting (we both are hurting).

Should I stay or should I go?

If I stay in the house she will hate me more, build more walls, call me an asshole and then my marriage and family are over. But leaving is quitting. I can’t quit on my family…the most important thing in my life.

However…if I did leave life might be easier for T and the kids. Perhaps even me. Perhaps.

Is the battle worth the scars? Yes…but why are you fighting?

I don’t have a plan. Shit. I don’t have any plan.

I don’t want to leave my family or my home. Am i just being selfish? Vindictive? Protective? Is it justified to ask T to be the one to leave since she is asking for the divorce?

I keep saying “I’ll be fine” and I am…often. But I don’t know if I actually will be.

I’ll be fine. I’ll be broken. I’ll be broken and I”ll be fine? Ugh.

Should I stay or should I go?

Naive Silver Linings

Sadness that isn’t depression. 

Anxiety that isn’t panic. 

Silver lining that may be naive.

How do I fight for someone, call her out on her bullshit, and love her?

And I miss her (she is my friend)

And I need her (she has been my rock)

And I love her (and I love her)

Would we both survive without each other? Of course. Would we both be able to move on and even find someone else? Yes. Is it worth it…

Separation / Divorce is (or at least seems to be) a measurable amount of pain. I can picture what that looks like and I know we will both live. We are both strong and stubborn after all. Staying together…that is a risk of immeasurable pain. Full of what if’s. What if…what if…what if..

We have been through so much these last 16+ years and we are so close to the best years of our lives. Through all of our mistakes we have remained really good friends. What if we found intimacy to go with it?

There’s commitment and there is stubbornness. There is contentment and there is apathy. I must make sure that I am not just stubborn and apathetic. I must forgive her and love her or I must forget her (?????). And I must be open. And that hurts. And that scares me.

And that is ok.

Naive Silver Linings