Always Yessing Me

I just wrote: “I feel like I’ve lost an entire year of my life but gained my entire future”.

What a complex feeling (by which I mean, shitty and confusing, of course). This last year has been a blur. A painful and heartbreaking year chock-full of mistakes…or growing pains, I suppose. A year in which I never thought I would survive yet now I am nearly thriving…nearly.

I want to to look back on our 16 year marriage with fondness. I want to tell people that we “just grew apart”. I want to say, “we are still such good friends”. But we aren’t…and I don’t want to be. And we didn’t grow apart…we never grew together. And there are few fond memories despite the fact that we almost always got along. And yes, I’d say that was one of the biggest problems and one of the things I have learned I need to work on.

I was watching The Americans and this scene comes on where a separated couple (Stan and Sandra Beeman) have a fight. Stan tries to do something to connect with his estranged wife…she isn’t impressed…he lies about his feelings and she calls him out on it by saying  “This was the big problem in our marriage.  You were always “yessing” me to avoid conflict and you weren’t being yourself“. He then tells her exactly how he feels and she walks away.

I watched this and felt like I was watching T and I having a fight…except that we never had that fight…because I was always yessing her…which means that clearly this past year has also brought growth for me. I can recognize issues that I brought into our marriage and work to not repeat them with others.

I’ve also spent time looking at T and asking myself if I am better off for knowing her? And…sadly…I struggle to answer that question…I hope in time that changes but for now…all I see when I look at T is the same insecure 17 year old girl who always plays the role of victim and desperately needs attention from everyone around her. And please don’t get me wrong, she has a number of great attributes I’m just not sure that any of them helped me grow.

So as I continue to reflect on this past year, and as I inch closer to the seemingly never ending struggle to get paperwork signed off by a judge to make this divorce official, I see a year marked by pain, sadness, and fear. And yet, as I look towards the future, I see a life full of joy, peace,  and growth. Continual personal growth.

Yes, I’ve lost a year to divorce…but I’ve also gained a future.

 

Always Yessing Me

Betrayal

are our children enough
to cover your sins
when you don’t deserve
to be my friend 

you quit
you’re a quitter
and fuck you for quitting 

I hate betrayal
such selfish self care

as you can’t see past your pain
to see all the pain 

so much you have caused
and yet we remain
friends
or friendly
or a waste of my breath 

I think I might hate you
I probably should
but A, K, and B…
and me…

and…

once again I’ll cry
and maybe I’ll sleep
tomorrow I’ll forget everything
pillows soak up so many tears
and you

so many years 

 

Betrayal

Let go

I haven’t written lately because I wasn’t feeling much. I felt I came to a great place for our divorce. A place of peace. Understanding. Yes emotional peaks and valleys continue to flow though and still I felt peace. Today however I’m hurting.

Came back from a week in Mexico really missing my friend and really wanting to connect with her…but she wasn’t/isn’t there. The distance T puts on us hurts me. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be angry. But we do and I am.

I want to be able to hold her and tell her it will be ok…I want to spend a brief few moments in peace with her. Breathing. Calm. Together.

I need to let those feeling go.
I need to let my friend go.
And it breaks my heart.

I try to focus on her negative side and it just makes me angry. And when I see her it just makes me miss the fun moments we shared.

Tomorrow morning I will say good bye to our friendship, hopefully temporarily. It’s necessary. I am not being fair to her to try and force a friendship while our relationship is ending. She can have and want distance and that is ok.

I am in pain.

Let go

Happy Anniversary

16 year anniversary. Today. 9/17/2015. Extreme feelings of sadness. I didn’t expect to be so emotional but I’ve spent the entire day in tears. The last two anniversaries we have said “Salt and Pepper but still together” and now…now we are just different. And apart.

Mentally I have accepted that our marriage is over. Emotionally, well, obviously not so much.

T and I have spent the last week being friends and I love that. I want to keep that. I am not completely sure it will be possible but i really hope it is.

I still love her. And I am still letting her go.

Some days are easier than others. Today was tough. Brutal. Sad. So very sad. And lonely. But not angry.

I’m glad I have been able to move  past the anger…life is much easier this way. I am working on moving past the love…or what I think is love. It’s our wedding anniversary and I am alone…and I can’t imagine that we aren’t in love. Or that we haven’t been…but who am I to say? She’s all I’ve known. She’s all I’ve loved. And what if…

Somewhere in between this mess is a friendship. Is that healthy? I hope so. I can only hope.

It doesn’t help that she has been running and is sexier than ever. She is always beautiful and she always will be.

16 years.

Happy Anniversary