rain

There’s something broken in me
Something small that hurts large
It barely takes a breath to knock me to my knees

I am broken.

It’s a hurt, a pain, and years of memories. 
The difference between “i love you” and “I’m in love with you”
has little to no meaning.

Love doesn’t matter. Love was meaningless.
all that remains is all that breaks
my heart. my soul. my life…

I hate this brokeness…caused by love…caused by your rejection. 

So i look back. to go back. to see the path and repair what remains
yet back looks black and
back is black and white

i can see clearly now
picture perfect rain is falling down
i look back and see nothing
i look forward but am blind
rain is the only direction i see

down.

rain

One step

I survived.

One foot in front of the other. Coffee and Macaroons with K helped distract us both, then she to school and I to work and life, as it tends to do, went on.

I’m readjusting my thinking. T will have to be a part of my life…forever most likely…the kids need her so I can’t spend my life hurting and hating. And now I have to let her go.

Let her go? Let our marriage go? Let…our…friendship…NO! Not yet. Deep breath…

Let our marriage go and let her go too. She is free to go. And be. And become. With anyone she chooses (God that hurts to write). And I am free too. And also free to be her friend. If that’s possible…i hope that is possible.

There is a sense I have, or maybe…finally, an understanding of what she has been telling me…she needs to go. But I’m not sure that will be enough for her. I feel this deep sense of hurt and bitterness when I talk to her. Something likely deeper than our 16 years. She has experienced so much loss in her life. So many friends have died. She needs to be free.

And while I see that she needs to be away from me I also see that she needs healing. I hope that I can help her become free from the hurt I have caused her. And I need to recognize the pain she has caused me and continue to work towards healing/forgiveness.

I grieved the death of our marriage 2 nights ago. I really hope that was rock bottom. I need that to be the low point. It almost broke me completely. Now, accepting that this is over (and perhaps even understanding it a little) has been huge. It’s some small taste of freedom.

While I don’t WANT freedom from my marriage or freedom from T, I need to be freed from the pain I’ve felt for the last few months.

K and I watched My Best Friends Wedding last night. I love movie nights with my sweet girl. She is so much fun. Gonna crawl back in bed with her now for a few minutes of laughter before I head off to work.

One step.

One step