Always Yessing Me

I just wrote: “I feel like I’ve lost an entire year of my life but gained my entire future”.

What a complex feeling (by which I mean, shitty and confusing, of course). This last year has been a blur. A painful and heartbreaking year chock-full of mistakes…or growing pains, I suppose. A year in which I never thought I would survive yet now I am nearly thriving…nearly.

I want to to look back on our 16 year marriage with fondness. I want to tell people that we “just grew apart”. I want to say, “we are still such good friends”. But we aren’t…and I don’t want to be. And we didn’t grow apart…we never grew together. And there are few fond memories despite the fact that we almost always got along. And yes, I’d say that was one of the biggest problems and one of the things I have learned I need to work on.

I was watching The Americans and this scene comes on where a separated couple (Stan and Sandra Beeman) have a fight. Stan tries to do something to connect with his estranged wife…she isn’t impressed…he lies about his feelings and she calls him out on it by saying  “This was the big problem in our marriage.  You were always “yessing” me to avoid conflict and you weren’t being yourself“. He then tells her exactly how he feels and she walks away.

I watched this and felt like I was watching T and I having a fight…except that we never had that fight…because I was always yessing her…which means that clearly this past year has also brought growth for me. I can recognize issues that I brought into our marriage and work to not repeat them with others.

I’ve also spent time looking at T and asking myself if I am better off for knowing her? And…sadly…I struggle to answer that question…I hope in time that changes but for now…all I see when I look at T is the same insecure 17 year old girl who always plays the role of victim and desperately needs attention from everyone around her. And please don’t get me wrong, she has a number of great attributes I’m just not sure that any of them helped me grow.

So as I continue to reflect on this past year, and as I inch closer to the seemingly never ending struggle to get paperwork signed off by a judge to make this divorce official, I see a year marked by pain, sadness, and fear. And yet, as I look towards the future, I see a life full of joy, peace,  and growth. Continual personal growth.

Yes, I’ve lost a year to divorce…but I’ve also gained a future.

 

Always Yessing Me

Somewhere

Somewhere I tried to scale your wall
built before we even met
inside your heart to find
lonely and neglect.

Instead a role was assigned
and I fit right in
each sip, each word, destiny fulfilled
to be another left behind
as you grow
alone

The hardening of your soul
as you refuse to be hurt
and you hurt and are hurting

And somewhere there is a key
an answer to your puzzle
but I am just another

A life that once was
will you forgive
for all that I’ve done

I won’t apologize and
I won’t beg

I’m not your family now

I can walk away although I can’t leave
and I walk away and leave
pieces of a broken heart. Family. 

You cry and I cry and we never cry together
another reason
another excuse
why

And I ask and you wonder and wander and I ask
and it’s late and it’s tired and it’s over.

So I step back from your wall and slowly gaze up
and realize I never could

Some walls aren’t meant to be climbed
some souls aren’t meant to be combined
and you and I are better off

somewhere.

Somewhere

I am scared

Finalized the details of our divorce. In the middle of mediation I realized I felt angry at T and blamed her for making us go through this. I also realized the hypocrisy  of this anger because I want this divorce too.

I’m scared. So very scared. To be alone…to be responsible…that we are messing our kids up…to have to find a new home…and figure out how to fill a spice rack? Tonight I found myself lost…staring at all our spices and wondering how I was going to figure out which spices I want in MY home.

I can laugh about it now…but I also have to recognize that the fear was real. I also don’t trust myself to make good decisions. I’ve often allowed the pain and fear to control me. I numb myself to survive. And I am so sad and scared and lonely…yet I am not alone and I am often happy…and occasionally brave and now, in this moment, I am scared.

I am scared

Let go

I haven’t written lately because I wasn’t feeling much. I felt I came to a great place for our divorce. A place of peace. Understanding. Yes emotional peaks and valleys continue to flow though and still I felt peace. Today however I’m hurting.

Came back from a week in Mexico really missing my friend and really wanting to connect with her…but she wasn’t/isn’t there. The distance T puts on us hurts me. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be angry. But we do and I am.

I want to be able to hold her and tell her it will be ok…I want to spend a brief few moments in peace with her. Breathing. Calm. Together.

I need to let those feeling go.
I need to let my friend go.
And it breaks my heart.

I try to focus on her negative side and it just makes me angry. And when I see her it just makes me miss the fun moments we shared.

Tomorrow morning I will say good bye to our friendship, hopefully temporarily. It’s necessary. I am not being fair to her to try and force a friendship while our relationship is ending. She can have and want distance and that is ok.

I am in pain.

Let go

September 2nd

More pain than I have felt. Ever. Worse even than when Dave died. His death was final, I could mourn the loss and begin the healing process. This however, this is death that may never actually die. This is pain that I will be faced with for the rest of my life.

I cried myself to sleep last night, actually sobbed uncontrollably is probably more accurate…finally dozing off around 1 am only to be awake again at 2am and staying wide awake, in pain, hurting, until 4am.

I went for a run. A 4am run. In the dark, with the pain. Maybe I can out run it. No. 2-1/2 miles in and I was crying again. Running. Crying. Darkness. Darkness in the dark.

It’s 5:30am now. I’m sitting at the kitchen table…in tears…trying to write through them…hoping I don’t wake the kids. Yesterday I had a clear vision of what I wanted, T&I to come together to try to work through our issues but she wasn’t interested. I thought, perhaps, for the children if nothing else, that she would be willing to slow down, take a side step, see if we can repair our friendship and then make this decision in a better place. No.

No.

I had many dark thoughts last night…so much pain…even still. I’m going to have to try and put one foot in front of the other today. Just to make it through. Up until now I haven’t felt hopeless. Now…

I want her here with me. I never want to see her again. No. Be real. Be honest. I want her here with me and I want this *******pain to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could have been enough for her. I wish. Too many wishes and not enough…what? Enough what? If only I knew I could fix this…

The sun is coming up. It’s going to be a long day.

 

September 2nd