Waves

i sense a distance growing between us
as the waves of childish passion recede
we are still standing on the shore
together
and healing

it feels appropriate to move to the side
giving each other space
to grow. hurt. heal.

and the great things about waves
they always return
and we will still be standing
healthier. peaceful.

alone or together. in strength

Waves

Always Yessing Me

I just wrote: “I feel like I’ve lost an entire year of my life but gained my entire future”.

What a complex feeling (by which I mean, shitty and confusing, of course). This last year has been a blur. A painful and heartbreaking year chock-full of mistakes…or growing pains, I suppose. A year in which I never thought I would survive yet now I am nearly thriving…nearly.

I want to to look back on our 16 year marriage with fondness. I want to tell people that we “just grew apart”. I want to say, “we are still such good friends”. But we aren’t…and I don’t want to be. And we didn’t grow apart…we never grew together. And there are few fond memories despite the fact that we almost always got along. And yes, I’d say that was one of the biggest problems and one of the things I have learned I need to work on.

I was watching The Americans and this scene comes on where a separated couple (Stan and Sandra Beeman) have a fight. Stan tries to do something to connect with his estranged wife…she isn’t impressed…he lies about his feelings and she calls him out on it by saying  “This was the big problem in our marriage.  You were always “yessing” me to avoid conflict and you weren’t being yourself“. He then tells her exactly how he feels and she walks away.

I watched this and felt like I was watching T and I having a fight…except that we never had that fight…because I was always yessing her…which means that clearly this past year has also brought growth for me. I can recognize issues that I brought into our marriage and work to not repeat them with others.

I’ve also spent time looking at T and asking myself if I am better off for knowing her? And…sadly…I struggle to answer that question…I hope in time that changes but for now…all I see when I look at T is the same insecure 17 year old girl who always plays the role of victim and desperately needs attention from everyone around her. And please don’t get me wrong, she has a number of great attributes I’m just not sure that any of them helped me grow.

So as I continue to reflect on this past year, and as I inch closer to the seemingly never ending struggle to get paperwork signed off by a judge to make this divorce official, I see a year marked by pain, sadness, and fear. And yet, as I look towards the future, I see a life full of joy, peace,  and growth. Continual personal growth.

Yes, I’ve lost a year to divorce…but I’ve also gained a future.

 

Always Yessing Me

One step

I survived.

One foot in front of the other. Coffee and Macaroons with K helped distract us both, then she to school and I to work and life, as it tends to do, went on.

I’m readjusting my thinking. T will have to be a part of my life…forever most likely…the kids need her so I can’t spend my life hurting and hating. And now I have to let her go.

Let her go? Let our marriage go? Let…our…friendship…NO! Not yet. Deep breath…

Let our marriage go and let her go too. She is free to go. And be. And become. With anyone she chooses (God that hurts to write). And I am free too. And also free to be her friend. If that’s possible…i hope that is possible.

There is a sense I have, or maybe…finally, an understanding of what she has been telling me…she needs to go. But I’m not sure that will be enough for her. I feel this deep sense of hurt and bitterness when I talk to her. Something likely deeper than our 16 years. She has experienced so much loss in her life. So many friends have died. She needs to be free.

And while I see that she needs to be away from me I also see that she needs healing. I hope that I can help her become free from the hurt I have caused her. And I need to recognize the pain she has caused me and continue to work towards healing/forgiveness.

I grieved the death of our marriage 2 nights ago. I really hope that was rock bottom. I need that to be the low point. It almost broke me completely. Now, accepting that this is over (and perhaps even understanding it a little) has been huge. It’s some small taste of freedom.

While I don’t WANT freedom from my marriage or freedom from T, I need to be freed from the pain I’ve felt for the last few months.

K and I watched My Best Friends Wedding last night. I love movie nights with my sweet girl. She is so much fun. Gonna crawl back in bed with her now for a few minutes of laughter before I head off to work.

One step.

One step