Logic vs Love

Dear love of my life,

I won’t wait for you,
but I will be waiting

…and if 20 years from now we aren’t spending forever together then I will know I made the biggest mistake. 

Forever. 
So much.
Always.
You.

Logic vs Love

Not Your Presi…

Yes, he is your president. He’s my president. He’s the president of all Americans. The fact that he is misogynistic and narcissistic and racist and everything else does not change the fact that he is your president.

And you know why he is your president? Because we voted for him.

No. Not you. And certainly not I. But we. The people. So please, put down your Dump Trump signs and ask yourself? Is this pussy willing to grab back against all the Americans who voted for him?

Will this pussy grab back against a Democratic Party that put Hillary fucking Clinton as their nominee?

Will this pussy still be grabbing back if the economy improves? If that dick puts more money in your pussy pocket?

You don’t have to like him…hell, i’d judge you harshly if you did, but he is our president…and he deserves a chance to…

Oh who am I kidding.  Let’s burn this fucker down!

Not Your Presi…

rain

There’s something broken in me
Something small that hurts large
It barely takes a breath to knock me to my knees

I am broken.

It’s a hurt, a pain, and years of memories. 
The difference between “i love you” and “I’m in love with you”
has little to no meaning.

Love doesn’t matter. Love was meaningless.
all that remains is all that breaks
my heart. my soul. my life…

I hate this brokeness…caused by love…caused by your rejection. 

So i look back. to go back. to see the path and repair what remains
yet back looks black and
back is black and white

i can see clearly now
picture perfect rain is falling down
i look back and see nothing
i look forward but am blind
rain is the only direction i see

down.

rain

I’m wishing

I wish “I Love You” would be enough. Not the words of course, anyone can say them. I wish MY love would be enough. For you and me. forever. I wish your love for me would fulfill all the requirements that forever desires. We love each other deeply, I wish that were enough.

So many souls are wandering alone without a friend to hold. So many people have made the commitment to spend eternity together. So many have said “our love is enough” and foolishly rushed into mediocrity. But I love you isn’t enough. And you love me isn’t enough. And all the nights we spend falling asleep together laughing peacefully in each other’s arms…and yes, all the peaceful moments that we share….the way you relax my anxious mind and allow me to be…the way you silently caress the back of my neck while accidentally missing your turn…the way we keep on driving and singing or talking or in silence…it…isn’t…
Why isn’t our love enough? Why can’t it be guaranteed? Why?

Lighting just struck outside the window of this plane that I am on. And lighting strikes remind me of how people fall in love. Quickly. With a flash. And often followed by loud rumblings. A moment of perfection in a time of desperate need. Bright lights shooting through the soul. Electric connections buzzing in every inch of your body. A storm of emotions drawing two people together. Protecting each other until the storm passes.

Followed by quiet…

But we didn’t flash. We didn’t find love in the lights we found each other in the slow. Walking. Drinking tea. Daily texts. That’s the love that lasts. That’s how we know we can be forever. That’s how…

Life dictates what lasts forever as love stands right behind. So I can hold your hand in Ohio and I can long for you deeply from Oregon and still life whispers in my ear, “distance”.

Life give us please, that chance. Let us prove ourselves.. to ourselves… and find fulfillment in forever. Don’t take her away. Further than she is.

I wish our love was enough. I’m hoping life gives us a chance.

I’m wishing

Always Yessing Me

I just wrote: “I feel like I’ve lost an entire year of my life but gained my entire future”.

What a complex feeling (by which I mean, shitty and confusing, of course). This last year has been a blur. A painful and heartbreaking year chock-full of mistakes…or growing pains, I suppose. A year in which I never thought I would survive yet now I am nearly thriving…nearly.

I want to to look back on our 16 year marriage with fondness. I want to tell people that we “just grew apart”. I want to say, “we are still such good friends”. But we aren’t…and I don’t want to be. And we didn’t grow apart…we never grew together. And there are few fond memories despite the fact that we almost always got along. And yes, I’d say that was one of the biggest problems and one of the things I have learned I need to work on.

I was watching The Americans and this scene comes on where a separated couple (Stan and Sandra Beeman) have a fight. Stan tries to do something to connect with his estranged wife…she isn’t impressed…he lies about his feelings and she calls him out on it by saying  “This was the big problem in our marriage.  You were always “yessing” me to avoid conflict and you weren’t being yourself“. He then tells her exactly how he feels and she walks away.

I watched this and felt like I was watching T and I having a fight…except that we never had that fight…because I was always yessing her…which means that clearly this past year has also brought growth for me. I can recognize issues that I brought into our marriage and work to not repeat them with others.

I’ve also spent time looking at T and asking myself if I am better off for knowing her? And…sadly…I struggle to answer that question…I hope in time that changes but for now…all I see when I look at T is the same insecure 17 year old girl who always plays the role of victim and desperately needs attention from everyone around her. And please don’t get me wrong, she has a number of great attributes I’m just not sure that any of them helped me grow.

So as I continue to reflect on this past year, and as I inch closer to the seemingly never ending struggle to get paperwork signed off by a judge to make this divorce official, I see a year marked by pain, sadness, and fear. And yet, as I look towards the future, I see a life full of joy, peace,  and growth. Continual personal growth.

Yes, I’ve lost a year to divorce…but I’ve also gained a future.

 

Always Yessing Me