Logic vs Love

Dear love of my life,

I won’t wait for you,
but I will be waiting

…and if 20 years from now we aren’t spending forever together then I will know I made the biggest mistake. 

Forever. 
So much.
Always.
You.

Logic vs Love

Pretending

He doesn’t love you
He loves his reflection 
And you are his mirror

Duty calls
Commitment stays
And you are a shadow in his dreams
Following behind 
Pretending

Religion of youth
Led you to reject
The morals and principles of parents

And you aren’t wrong
But he isn’t right
Pretending

The story has not been finished 
An ending is coming to be sure
Happy
(I hope)
Sadly
(I am sure)

Tired of being a shadow
 

Pretending

I Still Love You

I’m in love with a girl
and love is so hard
but love is real
to know
to feel

Emotions are loved
and love isn’t emotion
But I won’t define
not today

I’m in love with a girl
She’s perfect to me
a beautiful soul
with amazing grace
and honestly broken
(we are)

With laughter
and tears
of love
of goodness
of patience
(so much)

And other fruits too
then so much more

And this is what’s right
To be free to love when love has been taken away
when love wasn’t there in the first place

when you are tired of being treated like something you’re not
a heartless robot?
when you are tired of being a trophy
or simply not being seen
when you become aware of  your value
and you stop, smile, and beam

to love and be loved
and it makes your soul Grrrr!
and your skin…
(sigh)

And still we love
those in the past
and we fear the future
because of that past

Love is so hard
and fear is also right
and I’m in love with a girl
and Grrrr!

I Still Love You

Texting Glances

I know this doesn’t make sense And maybe other people are right…Maybe we are too broken to see it

Is it worth the rush?
Risk?

And rush…I guess.

All I know… 
Or think
Or….?
I feel you 
I want you

Yes!
Yes!

And i probably shouldn’t 

Yes

But we were open 
And we met in a place neither of us wanted to be

For sure
But you were so strong. 

And you didn’t run away

I couldn’t.
You. 

And you

Us?
Us!

Yes
And I know I am still broken

And it doesn’t make sense 
But, you are here, alive. And that makes me very happy
And I don’t want to be anywhere but here. 
And maybe that is naive 
Maybe we are hurting too much to see clearly
But
You 
And me
And us
And magic
And healing…

And we are wrong. And they are right. Because this is life. And we should run and take what society says is right. Because we could never be. And fairy tales are saved for Disney. And true love doesn’t exist (yet you and I are the only ones who really know). Love is so much better when it is not defined by rules. And we love. Uninhibited. And we know.  
Yet we fool ourselves. 
To believe.  
But we do believe.  
I believe. 
So why not?
Is the battle worth the scars?
You are. 
Forever you are. 

Maybe someday we will be sitting by the ocean as all the kids swim… And I don’t know who will all be there or how many people will surround us on the shore, but I will glance at you and we will know this magic led to that magic… A different kind. Or maybe the same.

And I will fight for you. No matter what I am fighting for.  

Or maybe the beach is only here and now

I want that. 

And maybe our glances and knowing is only here and now

And tears are forming 
Because magic. 

Me too

Because love
Because you

Because you 
Forever and always and so much.  
You. 

Yes.
And we on the beach with children on the sand and laughter in the waves as ocean crashes down will forever be. Even now. If only for now. But always for us. You. Always you. 

My heart is overflowing

Mine too.

And tears.

Mine too

Happy tears

So many

So much magic
I love this
I love us
I love you 

I wish it were easier and yet we wouldn’t even have met without all this pain. 
So I accept this pain. 
And I grow. 

I know 
And so do I

And I hug you. 
Always hug you

And I hug you back 
So many hugs 

Ok. 
Real talk. 
Beauty out of pain

Yes

December…

Reality 
Yes

Yes. 
Reality. 
We face it because it’s right 
And what’s right is what’s important. 

And because we are strong
And we can…. It is important

And so, no more love letters. And less text. And only an occasional FaceTime. And you. Always you. Know that you can call me to say that our future is to be the best of friends. And I. I will be happy. Knowing that we are. We are. 
Perfectly distracted.  

I don’t like reality 

And flowers for the studio.

I hate it in fact
But yes

Yes.
I hate it.

And these tears are not happy

But it’s right.  
And it’s short term. 

And what is right is important

And it may be impossible.

And I miss you already

But we must try.

And my mantra will not change

Nor mine.
You. Always you. Forever you. SoMuchYou. 

I love you
I will try 

You have changed me. You have shown me life and given me hope. I didn’t know it existed. I didn’t know you existed. But you do. And we do. And every glance is magic. Every touch redemption. And I forever will love you. And your family. And your children. 
And all your beautiful children… 
Because you.  
Always you. 

I can’t… I don’t know how to do this…
You
So much 

Well…just like us…we pretend. 
Today. 
Today…
And tomorrow…
Who am I kidding. Tomorrow I want to hold you. 
Now and forever

I believe I can
Body pillows
Really good body pillows
That’s what we need

Thank you
For being stronger and better than me

I’m not. 

For teaching me so much about love 
And about myself

Not even close
We.

We !!!!

Okay…I have to dry these tears
Less text
No more love letters 
No more staring at your face on Instagram
Occasional FaceTime

Hmmmnnn…
This only works with daily FaceTime.  
And that may defeat the purpose so… 

Hahahaha

I want you.

I want you

Screw the odds. 
I want the best odds for you
And not us. Not marriage. Not sex. Not hurting. Not just tea…(but always tea). Just you. Always. 

So much you
Always

We are screwed.
And I love it

So screwed

So much love

I have to go for now

Forever is worth the wait

Texting Glances

Perfectly Distracted 

If I could, a magic wand would wave
And life would be just as we imagined
Tiny feet running carelessly through the yard.
With laughter the bonfires rage.

Little giggles, by an innocent child.

And you. Always you. Grasping hold of youth and love and child. Your child.

You opened (and we met)  you close (I never left). And we shared. And now we share. Magic. Moments. Connections. Comfort.

So much love for a friend. My friend. This wand has saved us all. And grandparents smile as we speak in tongues. Words meaning nothing and everything to all.

And I. I hold you. In my soul and in my life. And without a touch we are.

Perfectly distracted.

Because I can choose and I choose you. And this wand waves magic. For you. And C. And child. And me.

This is where the tears fall.

Perfectly Distracted 

You’ll never find a thing like today

“So lets run

Make a great escape

And I’ll be waiting outside for the getaway

It doesn’t matter who we are

Well keep running through the dark

And all we’ll ever need is another day

We can slow down cause tomorrow is a mile away

And live like shooting stars

Cause you can wish away forever

But you’ll never find a thing like today

Eden / End Credits

There is something about being young, 16-18 years old I would guess based on the number of texts and FaceTime. We talk about today as though it’s all that matters. Tomorrow is just another today. And in each moment…perfection. Everything feels so right. Warm touch, beautiful smile, laughter…so much laughter…and tears. It’s real. Authentic. Honest. Vulnerable.

And I am broken. And she is hurting. Pain has a way of baring your soul to the world in the most vulnerable fashion. And so, when two broken souls connect, the vulnerability that is shared is magical. It’s freeing. And that is what relationships should be…freeing, empowering, supportive, and never ever trapped. Let loose…never bind. And yes! Us. Because we are vulnerable, because we are hurting. Because we are broken. BUT…we won’t hurt forever. One day we will heal and when that day becomes will we lock our vulnerability up with it?

JP: “I’m not being naive but naive is right around the corner”.

M: “The whole thing about naive is that you don’t know…so…”

JP: “but I’m telling you I’m not being naive”

M: “because you wouldn’t know if you were”

And he’s right. And still he offers no answer to the question “what should I do then”? I know the answer. The answer is today. Everyday. Because connection. Because friendship. Because comfort. Because love. Because cheese platters and Hubcap. Because Court Jester and Donald Miller. Because Michael W Smith and Magic 8 Ball. Because Tigers.
Because today. Because everyday.  You. Always you.
And tommorow? It’s just another today…

You’ll never find a thing like today

Comfort

When I think about you, I think about so much more than you. I think about us, and life, and the future, and today and how the future is so connected with today, connected with this moment, each moment with you. Sure, i think about your beauty…your gorgeous face, our intimate times together. But that’s just beauty. And that’s just a small part of what makes you attractive. I think about comfort. So much comfort. That’s whats so hard to define…and yet you know it. You feel it…and still I want to tell you about it. You make me comfortable, free, open, honest, vulnerable, peaceful…you.

And in the midst of all this comfort I am standing in a storm where there is little shelter. Home, Children, you. You. Outsiders shake their head and tell me the shelter will not stand…but what do they know of comfort. Do they know our connection?

When we are together the only thing that matters is that we are together. That is comfort. That is connection.

People want to talk “forever”, they ask “what if”, they tell me my future, but they know nothing of today.

“Till death do us part”… Why speak of death when joining two souls? And when both souls know that death will not part them…this is love. This is togetherness. Our bodies may part, our moments may change, situations arise and life brings new directions but souls bound together by our random universe will never part. And I am not afraid.

Tomorrow will be. Just as today is. And I am so grateful for today.

You. Always you.
Comfort