Betrayal

are our children enough
to cover your sins
when you don’t deserve
to be my friend 

you quit
you’re a quitter
and fuck you for quitting 

I hate betrayal
such selfish self care

as you can’t see past your pain
to see all the pain 

so much you have caused
and yet we remain
friends
or friendly
or a waste of my breath 

I think I might hate you
I probably should
but A, K, and B…
and me…

and…

once again I’ll cry
and maybe I’ll sleep
tomorrow I’ll forget everything
pillows soak up so many tears
and you

so many years 

 

Betrayal

Somewhere

Somewhere I tried to scale your wall
built before we even met
inside your heart to find
lonely and neglect.

Instead a role was assigned
and I fit right in
each sip, each word, destiny fulfilled
to be another left behind
as you grow
alone

The hardening of your soul
as you refuse to be hurt
and you hurt and are hurting

And somewhere there is a key
an answer to your puzzle
but I am just another

A life that once was
will you forgive
for all that I’ve done

I won’t apologize and
I won’t beg

I’m not your family now

I can walk away although I can’t leave
and I walk away and leave
pieces of a broken heart. Family. 

You cry and I cry and we never cry together
another reason
another excuse
why

And I ask and you wonder and wander and I ask
and it’s late and it’s tired and it’s over.

So I step back from your wall and slowly gaze up
and realize I never could

Some walls aren’t meant to be climbed
some souls aren’t meant to be combined
and you and I are better off

somewhere.

Somewhere

I am scared

Finalized the details of our divorce. In the middle of mediation I realized I felt angry at T and blamed her for making us go through this. I also realized the hypocrisy  of this anger because I want this divorce too.

I’m scared. So very scared. To be alone…to be responsible…that we are messing our kids up…to have to find a new home…and figure out how to fill a spice rack? Tonight I found myself lost…staring at all our spices and wondering how I was going to figure out which spices I want in MY home.

I can laugh about it now…but I also have to recognize that the fear was real. I also don’t trust myself to make good decisions. I’ve often allowed the pain and fear to control me. I numb myself to survive. And I am so sad and scared and lonely…yet I am not alone and I am often happy…and occasionally brave and now, in this moment, I am scared.

I am scared

Letting Go

This morning I emailed T very vulnerable thoughts. So many tears as I typed a goodbye letter to my friend. I hope she is able to hear what I was trying to say. It felt good to get me thoughts down on paper. It helped cut back the angry hurt I felt from last night and remind me that I will always love her.

Yesterdays pain has turned to sadness and these tears are healthy.

Letting Go

Let go

I haven’t written lately because I wasn’t feeling much. I felt I came to a great place for our divorce. A place of peace. Understanding. Yes emotional peaks and valleys continue to flow though and still I felt peace. Today however I’m hurting.

Came back from a week in Mexico really missing my friend and really wanting to connect with her…but she wasn’t/isn’t there. The distance T puts on us hurts me. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be angry. But we do and I am.

I want to be able to hold her and tell her it will be ok…I want to spend a brief few moments in peace with her. Breathing. Calm. Together.

I need to let those feeling go.
I need to let my friend go.
And it breaks my heart.

I try to focus on her negative side and it just makes me angry. And when I see her it just makes me miss the fun moments we shared.

Tomorrow morning I will say good bye to our friendship, hopefully temporarily. It’s necessary. I am not being fair to her to try and force a friendship while our relationship is ending. She can have and want distance and that is ok.

I am in pain.

Let go

The Freedom Paradox

I am on this strange journey of alone. It’s a freedom and a jail cell combined. I see myself growing into the man I want to be and I also see myself hiding and running from the pain.

There are two versions of myself in a battle right now. One will ultimately win. And I…I will live or die based on who I become.

I am the happiest I have been in years and in that happiness I carry a heavy weight of sadness. A paradox to be sure. An impossible combination…almost. And yet, its there. Happy-Sadness and Sad-Sadness. But happy.

The sadness is good and valuable. To mourn the loss of my friend, my wife, my companion for literally half of my life is normal and healthy. And so too is the joy and confidence that comes with the freedom and responsibility to make my own decisions.

Through this process I’ve learned that 2 things I put a high value on are commitment and friendships. This is why divorce is an impossible task. But it’s necessary. Maybe not 100%, however, we were not in a healthy marriage and now…now we at least have the opportunity to be friends.

I am still holding on to hope that, in time, after we spend some much needed time apart, we will come back to a place of deep friendship. I believe this is possible…after all, I make a really good friend ;).

I am free to be happy and I am free to run. But I will not be happy if I keep running. Hiding. Scared.

The Freedom Paradox

Happy Anniversary

16 year anniversary. Today. 9/17/2015. Extreme feelings of sadness. I didn’t expect to be so emotional but I’ve spent the entire day in tears. The last two anniversaries we have said “Salt and Pepper but still together” and now…now we are just different. And apart.

Mentally I have accepted that our marriage is over. Emotionally, well, obviously not so much.

T and I have spent the last week being friends and I love that. I want to keep that. I am not completely sure it will be possible but i really hope it is.

I still love her. And I am still letting her go.

Some days are easier than others. Today was tough. Brutal. Sad. So very sad. And lonely. But not angry.

I’m glad I have been able to move  past the anger…life is much easier this way. I am working on moving past the love…or what I think is love. It’s our wedding anniversary and I am alone…and I can’t imagine that we aren’t in love. Or that we haven’t been…but who am I to say? She’s all I’ve known. She’s all I’ve loved. And what if…

Somewhere in between this mess is a friendship. Is that healthy? I hope so. I can only hope.

It doesn’t help that she has been running and is sexier than ever. She is always beautiful and she always will be.

16 years.

Happy Anniversary