I should have said

I broke my heart
by falling in love
with a promise
forever
that never was real

And she left me standing
alone with my kids
drenched in pain
so much pain

“So you can just fuck yourself
right after you fuck me”

over

and over again

Words I should have said
from the moment she said
she was done

I’d be further along
or at least have a memory to smile about

And our children will suffer this pain. 

I should have said

The difference a year makes

Looking back on the past year, I’m surprised at how much I have changed. How much growth I’ve seen and how much sorrow I’ve survived. The most surprising thing though is how different my 16 year marriage looks to me now…versus how I viewed it when T first decided it was over.

As I go back and read through early journal entries I see so much fear and weakness in myself. I put so much of my identity in trying to be a husband and father that I was unable to see how miserable I was.

T saw it..I’ll give her that.

She said we were done and I thought I was done. I could never find someone to love again…as if I knew what love was. I would never make it on my own…as if I had any idea of what “on my own” would look like. I was destined to die, young and alone. And then a funny thing happened…I moved on pretty quickly.

T said she wanted to see other people and I knew she already was and somehow, despite my complete lack of self-awareness, I found enough pride and personal worth to dust off my shoes and walk away. It still hurt, don’t get me wrong, but my perspective changed. Suddenly I didn’t want to be with her anymore. She found someone else that she was happy with. She didn’t want me…so why sit around and mourn her? I wouldn’t. And it was only a short time later that I didn’t.

And now I look back and see how sad our relationship was. Again, I want to clarify, we both tried and did the best we could but it was an unfulfilling marriage. In my journal I listed off 7 things that I loved about T. 4 of the 7 were about her looks. 4 out of 7 were superficial pointless vanity filled reasons. And the other 3 had to do with her treatment of my children and her treatment of the girls she works with (she is a great mother and advocate). I sat there realizing how sad both T and I must have been if the things I admired most about her were her pretty face.

I also saw how much blame I put on myself. And realized how much time T spent tearing me down. Telling me how depressed I was and how rude/unsocial I was. And in fairness,  that’s how I acted when I was around her. What came first? The judgement or the actions? Hardly matters now that it’s over.

I now see T as often wanting to be the victim. It’s T against the world. It’s how she thrived…and I became her enabler. I never stood up to her. I never called her out. I was so afraid that any misstep would cause her to leave me that I was never authentic with her, or myself for that matter. And then she left anyway. In many ways I am grateful to her for having the strength to leave. She had checked out of our marriage years earlier and I was unable to see that I had barely checked into life.

One year later, I’m growing…trying new things…adventuring…and gaining confidence. I’m learning to communicate with others, despite the risk of offending (losing) them. I’m learning to hear my own voice, my own needs, my own feelings and finding freedom.

Now that she is gone there is a strange sense of relief. It isn’t a particularly pleasant feeling but it’s relief. It reminds me of when a migraine headache starts to fade away…there is this feeling of relief mixed in with a memory of the pain. It’s all still there…mashed together…yet  each time the pain fades a new feeling of strength fills its place. I’ve come a long way and I have a long way to go and I’m exited for my future.

The difference a year makes

Betrayal

are our children enough
to cover your sins
when you don’t deserve
to be my friend 

you quit
you’re a quitter
and fuck you for quitting 

I hate betrayal
such selfish self care

as you can’t see past your pain
to see all the pain 

so much you have caused
and yet we remain
friends
or friendly
or a waste of my breath 

I think I might hate you
I probably should
but A, K, and B…
and me…

and…

once again I’ll cry
and maybe I’ll sleep
tomorrow I’ll forget everything
pillows soak up so many tears
and you

so many years 

 

Betrayal

Somewhere

Somewhere I tried to scale your wall
built before we even met
inside your heart to find
lonely and neglect.

Instead a role was assigned
and I fit right in
each sip, each word, destiny fulfilled
to be another left behind
as you grow
alone

The hardening of your soul
as you refuse to be hurt
and you hurt and are hurting

And somewhere there is a key
an answer to your puzzle
but I am just another

A life that once was
will you forgive
for all that I’ve done

I won’t apologize and
I won’t beg

I’m not your family now

I can walk away although I can’t leave
and I walk away and leave
pieces of a broken heart. Family. 

You cry and I cry and we never cry together
another reason
another excuse
why

And I ask and you wonder and wander and I ask
and it’s late and it’s tired and it’s over.

So I step back from your wall and slowly gaze up
and realize I never could

Some walls aren’t meant to be climbed
some souls aren’t meant to be combined
and you and I are better off

somewhere.

Somewhere

Hurting. Healing. Hurting.

People who are hurting want to believe the worst.
People who are healing need to believe the best.

And it seems I spend most of my time somewhere in between. Hurting. Healing. Hurting. Healing. Effing up. Healing. Healing. Healing. Effing up again. Hurting. Healing.

And lately, and I mean quite a good few weeks lately, I’ve believed the best about T. And that is a good sign of healing. And I’m still hurting.

Every time I convince myself that I’m over the hurt I get a solid gut punch to the stomach. And lately, and I mean quite a good few weeks lately, the pain has been short lived before it has turned to life. I’m not sure entirely what I mean by that so…let’s see…

Pain becomes Sadness becomes Neutral becomes Optimism. In the optimism I find joy and then the cycle starts again. Life.

I hate pain. Emotional pain specifically. Physical pain I can tolerate…when something in my body hurts I tend to know exactly what is wrong and how I can fix it. Emotional pain I often don’t even recognize until it’s got me hurting so bad I just want to roll up in a big old ball and cry. Which is often exactly what I need to do.

“Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something”
-The Princess Bride

And in pain there is often beauty. And if I can figure out how to accept my pain I’ll be much better off. But that is easier said than done. So for now, for today, I’ll focus on the joy that optimism has brought to my life. And I’ll smile. Because despite what you may have heard…today is a great day.

Hurting. Healing. Hurting.

Insecure

I don’t think that T actually knows me. And, i’ve come to realize, that for our entire relationship I have been very insecure around her. It’s my fault and it’s odd. I’m extremely confident in other aspects…just not around her. At least not until lately…which I think has been a problem because I feel she takes my confidence as aggression or defensiveness.

I recognize this is entirely my fault. My insecurity has kept me from opening myself up to her. And this is what she has asked for the past 16 years. I couldn’t do it…not with her anyway.

Of course we have different needs…and we were constantly unable to fill each others desires, despite the fact that we both tried. I guess its just sad…I hope one day I will be able to show her who I really am.

 

Insecure

Let go

I haven’t written lately because I wasn’t feeling much. I felt I came to a great place for our divorce. A place of peace. Understanding. Yes emotional peaks and valleys continue to flow though and still I felt peace. Today however I’m hurting.

Came back from a week in Mexico really missing my friend and really wanting to connect with her…but she wasn’t/isn’t there. The distance T puts on us hurts me. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be angry. But we do and I am.

I want to be able to hold her and tell her it will be ok…I want to spend a brief few moments in peace with her. Breathing. Calm. Together.

I need to let those feeling go.
I need to let my friend go.
And it breaks my heart.

I try to focus on her negative side and it just makes me angry. And when I see her it just makes me miss the fun moments we shared.

Tomorrow morning I will say good bye to our friendship, hopefully temporarily. It’s necessary. I am not being fair to her to try and force a friendship while our relationship is ending. She can have and want distance and that is ok.

I am in pain.

Let go

Happy Anniversary

16 year anniversary. Today. 9/17/2015. Extreme feelings of sadness. I didn’t expect to be so emotional but I’ve spent the entire day in tears. The last two anniversaries we have said “Salt and Pepper but still together” and now…now we are just different. And apart.

Mentally I have accepted that our marriage is over. Emotionally, well, obviously not so much.

T and I have spent the last week being friends and I love that. I want to keep that. I am not completely sure it will be possible but i really hope it is.

I still love her. And I am still letting her go.

Some days are easier than others. Today was tough. Brutal. Sad. So very sad. And lonely. But not angry.

I’m glad I have been able to move  past the anger…life is much easier this way. I am working on moving past the love…or what I think is love. It’s our wedding anniversary and I am alone…and I can’t imagine that we aren’t in love. Or that we haven’t been…but who am I to say? She’s all I’ve known. She’s all I’ve loved. And what if…

Somewhere in between this mess is a friendship. Is that healthy? I hope so. I can only hope.

It doesn’t help that she has been running and is sexier than ever. She is always beautiful and she always will be.

16 years.

Happy Anniversary