Logic vs Love

Dear love of my life,

I won’t wait for you,
but I will be waiting

…and if 20 years from now we aren’t spending forever together then I will know I made the biggest mistake. 

Forever. 
So much.
Always.
You.

Logic vs Love

Always Yessing Me

I just wrote: “I feel like I’ve lost an entire year of my life but gained my entire future”.

What a complex feeling (by which I mean, shitty and confusing, of course). This last year has been a blur. A painful and heartbreaking year chock-full of mistakes…or growing pains, I suppose. A year in which I never thought I would survive yet now I am nearly thriving…nearly.

I want to to look back on our 16 year marriage with fondness. I want to tell people that we “just grew apart”. I want to say, “we are still such good friends”. But we aren’t…and I don’t want to be. And we didn’t grow apart…we never grew together. And there are few fond memories despite the fact that we almost always got along. And yes, I’d say that was one of the biggest problems and one of the things I have learned I need to work on.

I was watching The Americans and this scene comes on where a separated couple (Stan and Sandra Beeman) have a fight. Stan tries to do something to connect with his estranged wife…she isn’t impressed…he lies about his feelings and she calls him out on it by saying  “This was the big problem in our marriage.  You were always “yessing” me to avoid conflict and you weren’t being yourself“. He then tells her exactly how he feels and she walks away.

I watched this and felt like I was watching T and I having a fight…except that we never had that fight…because I was always yessing her…which means that clearly this past year has also brought growth for me. I can recognize issues that I brought into our marriage and work to not repeat them with others.

I’ve also spent time looking at T and asking myself if I am better off for knowing her? And…sadly…I struggle to answer that question…I hope in time that changes but for now…all I see when I look at T is the same insecure 17 year old girl who always plays the role of victim and desperately needs attention from everyone around her. And please don’t get me wrong, she has a number of great attributes I’m just not sure that any of them helped me grow.

So as I continue to reflect on this past year, and as I inch closer to the seemingly never ending struggle to get paperwork signed off by a judge to make this divorce official, I see a year marked by pain, sadness, and fear. And yet, as I look towards the future, I see a life full of joy, peace,  and growth. Continual personal growth.

Yes, I’ve lost a year to divorce…but I’ve also gained a future.

 

Always Yessing Me

Somewhere

Somewhere I tried to scale your wall
built before we even met
inside your heart to find
lonely and neglect.

Instead a role was assigned
and I fit right in
each sip, each word, destiny fulfilled
to be another left behind
as you grow
alone

The hardening of your soul
as you refuse to be hurt
and you hurt and are hurting

And somewhere there is a key
an answer to your puzzle
but I am just another

A life that once was
will you forgive
for all that I’ve done

I won’t apologize and
I won’t beg

I’m not your family now

I can walk away although I can’t leave
and I walk away and leave
pieces of a broken heart. Family. 

You cry and I cry and we never cry together
another reason
another excuse
why

And I ask and you wonder and wander and I ask
and it’s late and it’s tired and it’s over.

So I step back from your wall and slowly gaze up
and realize I never could

Some walls aren’t meant to be climbed
some souls aren’t meant to be combined
and you and I are better off

somewhere.

Somewhere

I am scared

Finalized the details of our divorce. In the middle of mediation I realized I felt angry at T and blamed her for making us go through this. I also realized the hypocrisy  of this anger because I want this divorce too.

I’m scared. So very scared. To be alone…to be responsible…that we are messing our kids up…to have to find a new home…and figure out how to fill a spice rack? Tonight I found myself lost…staring at all our spices and wondering how I was going to figure out which spices I want in MY home.

I can laugh about it now…but I also have to recognize that the fear was real. I also don’t trust myself to make good decisions. I’ve often allowed the pain and fear to control me. I numb myself to survive. And I am so sad and scared and lonely…yet I am not alone and I am often happy…and occasionally brave and now, in this moment, I am scared.

I am scared

Letting Go

This morning I emailed T very vulnerable thoughts. So many tears as I typed a goodbye letter to my friend. I hope she is able to hear what I was trying to say. It felt good to get me thoughts down on paper. It helped cut back the angry hurt I felt from last night and remind me that I will always love her.

Yesterdays pain has turned to sadness and these tears are healthy.

Letting Go