Stains

Tonight I made a sexual Cheetos joke to a 90 year old man sitting next to me at the bar…

“They are delicious but leave a stain…
…just like all the good ones” !!!!

He took his last handful, stood up and left.
No goodbyes. No words. No glances back.
With cane in hand he worked his way

away

slowly, methodically, and right out the front door.

while I asked Sarah for another round.

Stains

I should have said

I broke my heart
by falling in love
with a promise
forever
that never was real

And she left me standing
alone with my kids
drenched in pain
so much pain

“So you can just fuck yourself
right after you fuck me”

over

and over again

Words I should have said
from the moment she said
she was done

I’d be further along
or at least have a memory to smile about

And our children will suffer this pain. 

I should have said

Someday

You can say that you love me and that I’m not alone. But everybody goes home eventually. And even when the gangs all here i know which of us doesn’t have a family to go home to.

It seems to me that all my ideas of maturity are falling apart. I recognize that our odds are slim and full of complications. so the “right” decision is to just be friends. Best friends. But then I love you. And I really do. And I realize that I don’t know how to stop.

It’s not in my nature.

So we tell each other to go out and fuck someone else so that we can start moving on…yet neither of us really want too. 

And I try to flirt and be friendly but every woman I meet instantly gets compared to you. And none of them are as smart or fun or talented or beautiful or kind…

And so every other day I look to book a flight to go see you. I long to be by your side. But I never purchase because that just delays us from moving on.

And then, why the fuck are we breaking up? I. Love. You. And isn’t that what matters most?

(Sigh)

It isn’t. Life matters as much as love. And children matter more. And I have to put my kids first and you should put your future in a place to have future children while I’m digging my heals in and saying “no more”.

And deep inside my soul screams to share the beauty of life with you…but I’ve loved and been burned before and will not bring in a child to be hurt by our shortcomings.

So we dream about maybes and someday…while reality gets in the way. 

Still…

we hope everything will change

But maybe you can find love and someday I can be happy as just a friend and really what’s important?

Holding you. Someday.

Someday