I don’t want to say it

I couldn’t sleep last night. The thought of losing my closest friend over the past few months scares me. I’m trying to remain positive but I just don’t want to say goodbye.

There is also a sense of strength I have developed that allows me the confidence to realize I’ll be ok. Yet with that understanding comes the knowledge that I don’t want to be alone.

And once again I find myself sitting here feeling every single emotion at exactly the same time. Unsure of how that’s even possible yet without a doubt the sensations are there.

One thing is certain, life continues to confuse me.

I don’t want to say it

Sweetness 

Shit.

What do you do when you find love and then let love go?

cry? (a little) cry? (a lot) or remember…bittersweet. A taste of heaven with reality of pain. Love doesn’t allow for timing. Or rather, love is…it just is…but time doesn’t care one bit. Time says, “Go fuck yourself, love. You should have been here years ago”. And love is heartless too, responding “Sorry time, I’m not going anywhere”.

So what do you do when you find love and then let love go?

smile? (a little) smile? (a lot) and remember…sweetness. A taste of heaven that lingers in space.

Love is a blanket that comforts or smothers and today I choose to wrap myself tight in the knowledge that my life has been healed by a love that cannot be taken away.

Relationships end but love remains. Love remains as comfort. So much.

And always, forever always.

 

 

Sweetness 

Let You Go

“And I want to let you know

I want to let you go

But I just can’t bring myself to speak

I want to give you what you need. Not what you want.  Or what I want. And I don’t trust that our emotions will tell us the truth (they are never wrong and rarely right) But I don’t want to hurt. But I don’t want to hurt you. And I don’t know what you need. We could say:

“But this is how it goes

The end credits the roll

This bridge was built over kerosine

But we can watch it

(Burn down)”

Or perhaps

“Rather burnout young than grow up fast

And we could be forever future bound

Cause all I need is time and now

And I could leave this past behind me

And maybe I’ll see a way for me to stay”

And we already know that we are forever bound. What I don’t know is how? How far should we push the limits of our relationship? How soon do we step back? How do we step back? How does this triangle actually work…and does it?

But really, life isn’t giving me the option right now. Right now I want to give you what you need. But as long as you say what you need is me…then I won’t speak…

And I want to let you know, I’ll never let you go, I can’t help myself but speak. And this is how it goes, the end credits will roll, this bridge was built over you and me. And we will watch it…

(Lyrics by Eden. End Credits)

Let You Go

Saddle Up Your Horses

When you have nothing.
to write
to say
you feel everything
so much forever
always

When kisses goodbye aren’t
and the best kisses are
saved for last
which is yet to come

When travel prayers with group hugs
bring you home
because home is here
with my mom or yours
prayer is a second language

When 90’s Christian trumps
Miss Katie’s jams
and praise happens to flow from the soul
Our souls

When love makes you smile
as she argues back
does “my” = ownership
not in this case, my love.

That’s when you know.

When your soul is at peace.
after the butterflies
and so many miles

When you say goodbye
and you know
she knows
all that remains is time

When you feel it in her smile
goosebumps on her skin
it wasn’t about highs
so we fear not
the lows

Walking out of the fireplace
right into the fire
which is exactly where she’ll meet you
and right where you are meant to be

So saddle up our horses
let’s blaze the trail

I belong with you
this is how i know
I belong to you
and your heart is mine

Saddle Up Your Horses