Eulogy

Here lies the beginning of a most beautiful connection.

Two broken souls, who were busy digging separate graves when they found each other and fell into each others arms and into the same grave. Together they fell and together they will be buried. And as we cover their love with dirt and stone we celebrate the beauty that is to come from this never ending bond. As we bury their beginning we pause and we know that the story of hope written on this headstone will birth new love and new future.

The end of the beginning is just the beginning.

And you are my perfect.

Forever. Always. So much.

September 22^nd 2015 – December 31^st, 2015

answers…perhaps

I’m not the answer. And you aren’t either. So lets try and set that aside. But I do believe we can help each other. And if we don’t eff things up too much we can be happy.

Together.
And possibly forever.
And I love that crazy naive thought.

So let’s open this up
And I’ll spend every minute
Making sure I’m enough

Cause I don’t actually believe in magic
It’s connection + commitment
And empathy for each other

And love is just another word for something we both need

love is for you

“I love you” means I care for your needs
far more than mine
It means my love for you…is for you
For what you need more than I

And that makes me smile

I can take
And often I do
But when I say  I love you
I’m asking “what can I give”
And “do you know how much I care”

Hugs or text or going away
I love you
You

I want to give you everything you need
Even if it means giving you nothing at all…

nothing but space and time…
and yes I’ll cry
and still I’ll smile

because I can’t give you more than what you’ve given me
and as much as I’m able I’ll try

Everything

the obstacle

Sometimes life puts obstacles in our way
and we are forced to choose
turn around
or power through

But we can’t back up
we don’t want to lose
and the obstacle is the way
(or so they say)

And it is
so we wait
and we stare
we wonder why
and truth can’t be told
but we don’t want to lie

and your eyes tell the truth
truth like a child
so I’ll flip the coin
get stuck in the snow
twigs and patience
and perhaps perfect driving

I will come home
and I hope you are there
the obstacle
the way
and you

forever. always.

 

I Still Love You

I’m in love with a girl
and love is so hard
but love is real
to know
to feel

Emotions are loved
and love isn’t emotion
But I won’t define
not today

I’m in love with a girl
She’s perfect to me
a beautiful soul
with amazing grace
and honestly broken
(we are)

With laughter
and tears
of love
of goodness
of patience
(so much)

And other fruits too
then so much more

And this is what’s right
To be free to love when love has been taken away
when love wasn’t there in the first place

when you are tired of being treated like something you’re not
a heartless robot?
when you are tired of being a trophy
or simply not being seen
when you become aware of  your value
and you stop, smile, and beam

to love and be loved
and it makes your soul Grrrr!
and your skin…
(sigh)

And still we love
those in the past
and we fear the future
because of that past

Love is so hard
and fear is also right
and I’m in love with a girl
and Grrrr!

Betrayal

are our children enough
to cover your sins
when you don’t deserve
to be my friend 

you quit
you’re a quitter
and fuck you for quitting 

I hate betrayal
such selfish self care

as you can’t see past your pain
to see all the pain 

so much you have caused
and yet we remain
friends
or friendly
or a waste of my breath 

I think I might hate you
I probably should
but A, K, and B…
and me…

and…

once again I’ll cry
and maybe I’ll sleep
tomorrow I’ll forget everything
pillows soak up so many tears
and you

so many years 

 

Little Lies

I lied to you a little…the last time we met. Or really, I think I was lying to myself about you. I told you that in every aspect of my life I was afraid…kids and home and work and divorce and friends and family and Christmas and tomorrow and every single part of me, every little box of life I have created scares me…except for one…you.

I said that I am not afraid of you or us or wherever we end up. But that was a lie. I am scared. Just a little. I’ve been pretending that there is nothing to fear with you. I’ve pretended that everything we have is just for fun. That it’s perfect and magical and that there will never be any real requirements on us…and our love. I’ve pretended that I can just go through life with you or without you (but always with you) and the only thing that will matter is our friendship.

We are so young and crazy and ridiculous that our story…our fairy-tale…can only end in happiness. Ridiculous, magical, tigers bouncing through corn fields while fairies chase after happiness. And what’s scary about that?

But then reality sets in. And I am aware of you. Present. With me. And I am aware that I don’t want this to end. Even happily. Suddenly I am afraid.

Awareness of reality is scary. And reality says that fairies don’t exist. And that tigers in corn fields are actually quite dangerous.  And that we are too old to be so ridiculous. And magic? Give me a break with all this magic talk…

And I don’t want this to end. And so I am afraid. And that is ok. Because we have made no promises other then to love forever. No requirements except to be there for each other. And as ridiculous as that may sound, that doesn’t scare me. Because I already love you. Because I would gladly give you away to be able to keep you for myself. And that makes perfect sense to me.

 

Coffee with K

You didn’t know we were hurting
But I would always protect you
Naive and blind and deaf and dumb

and suddenly separate
I guess I thought I could protect you but

Alone
I send you
Alone

Into this storm
So cold

I am afraid
I thought I was there to hold you
I believed our love would save
But we are on our own now
And we are on our own.

And you are here to protect me
To teach me how to live
To clean up all the messes
Of what I couldn’t give

Smiles and laughter and encouragement
My little sweet girl calls
And I pretend to guard her
While she builds walls

For her or me or T?

Please not her precious soul
A weight I cannot bear
To place brick on brick on brick
When innocence is still there

Life is a hurdle
When walls are small
Life is a battle
When they need to fall

And I can’t protect you
When I am to blame
And you are too young
to feel all this.

Pain.

So I keep on stacking
And she keeps on stacking
And we are pretending
all this building is fine

 

We grab some coffee
and listen to Ben
and he tells us our future

on repeat again and again and again

“And she’s alone and I’m alone and now I know it”

Ten days

10 days without you seems like to much to handle. And how can I miss you? Yet I  already do. 

So today, 10 days away, I think about your laugh. It may be my favorite part of you (other than all of you). I love hearing your smile break into laughter and then, occasionally, embarrassment. Which turns to more laughter. And then we both smile and laugh and…

And now I’m smiling. And ten days seems like nothing at all. 

So much. Always. And forever. No matter which order you put them in = magic. 

And we are magic. At 16 or 23 or 32….age doesn’t matter when you are free. And you free me. To be me. So…

Grrrrr!

You

Tonight
As the moon begins to rise
Behind hearts and clouds so grey
You are there
And I am with you

The moon is blind
So are we
Nothing will change
Being you, being me

So stupid
So crazy
So aware

Aware of how stupid and crazy and magical we are.
And we are.

You are my perfect
Not perfect
Yet perfect to me

And if I can share
Just once
Of all you have given
Then meaning returns

My broken soul
To have to hold to love…
And I cry
And you cry
And we cry

Because we
Broken together
Yet never apart

Prancing through puddles and heartbreak and life
We dance around the hurt
And when it’s time we face the storm

I will hold
And will be held
And this is all I need
You