Hurting. Healing. Hurting.

People who are hurting want to believe the worst.
People who are healing need to believe the best.

And it seems I spend most of my time somewhere in between. Hurting. Healing. Hurting. Healing. Effing up. Healing. Healing. Healing. Effing up again. Hurting. Healing.

And lately, and I mean quite a good few weeks lately, I’ve believed the best about T. And that is a good sign of healing. And I’m still hurting.

Every time I convince myself that I’m over the hurt I get a solid gut punch to the stomach. And lately, and I mean quite a good few weeks lately, the pain has been short lived before it has turned to life. I’m not sure entirely what I mean by that so…let’s see…

Pain becomes Sadness becomes Neutral becomes Optimism. In the optimism I find joy and then the cycle starts again. Life.

I hate pain. Emotional pain specifically. Physical pain I can tolerate…when something in my body hurts I tend to know exactly what is wrong and how I can fix it. Emotional pain I often don’t even recognize until it’s got me hurting so bad I just want to roll up in a big old ball and cry. Which is often exactly what I need to do.

“Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something”
-The Princess Bride

And in pain there is often beauty. And if I can figure out how to accept my pain I’ll be much better off. But that is easier said than done. So for now, for today, I’ll focus on the joy that optimism has brought to my life. And I’ll smile. Because despite what you may have heard…today is a great day.

Hurting. Healing. Hurting.

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