More pain than I have felt. Ever. Worse even than when Dave died. His death was final, I could mourn the loss and begin the healing process. This however, this is death that may never actually die. This is pain that I will be faced with for the rest of my life.
I cried myself to sleep last night, actually sobbed uncontrollably is probably more accurate…finally dozing off around 1 am only to be awake again at 2am and staying wide awake, in pain, hurting, until 4am.
I went for a run. A 4am run. In the dark, with the pain. Maybe I can out run it. No. 2-1/2 miles in and I was crying again. Running. Crying. Darkness. Darkness in the dark.
It’s 5:30am now. I’m sitting at the kitchen table…in tears…trying to write through them…hoping I don’t wake the kids. Yesterday I had a clear vision of what I wanted, T&I to come together to try to work through our issues but she wasn’t interested. I thought, perhaps, for the children if nothing else, that she would be willing to slow down, take a side step, see if we can repair our friendship and then make this decision in a better place. No.
I had many dark thoughts last night…so much pain…even still. I’m going to have to try and put one foot in front of the other today. Just to make it through. Up until now I haven’t felt hopeless. Now…
I want her here with me. I never want to see her again. No. Be real. Be honest. I want her here with me and I want this *******pain to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could have been enough for her. I wish. Too many wishes and not enough…what? Enough what? If only I knew I could fix this…
The sun is coming up. It’s going to be a long day.