I am scared

Finalized the details of our divorce. In the middle of mediation I realized I felt angry at T and blamed her for making us go through this. I also realized the hypocrisy  of this anger because I want this divorce too.

I’m scared. So very scared. To be alone…to be responsible…that we are messing our kids up…to have to find a new home…and figure out how to fill a spice rack? Tonight I found myself lost…staring at all our spices and wondering how I was going to figure out which spices I want in MY home.

I can laugh about it now…but I also have to recognize that the fear was real. I also don’t trust myself to make good decisions. I’ve often allowed the pain and fear to control me. I numb myself to survive. And I am so sad and scared and lonely…yet I am not alone and I am often happy…and occasionally brave and now, in this moment, I am scared.

I am scared

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