Perfectly Distracted 

If I could, a magic wand would wave
And life would be just as we imagined
Tiny feet running carelessly through the yard.
With laughter the bonfires rage.

Little giggles, by an innocent child.

And you. Always you. Grasping hold of youth and love and child. Your child.

You opened (and we met)  you close (I never left). And we shared. And now we share. Magic. Moments. Connections. Comfort.

So much love for a friend. My friend. This wand has saved us all. And grandparents smile as we speak in tongues. Words meaning nothing and everything to all.

And I. I hold you. In my soul and in my life. And without a touch we are.

Perfectly distracted.

Because I can choose and I choose you. And this wand waves magic. For you. And C. And child. And me.

This is where the tears fall.

Perfectly Distracted 

You’ll never find a thing like today

“So lets run

Make a great escape

And I’ll be waiting outside for the getaway

It doesn’t matter who we are

Well keep running through the dark

And all we’ll ever need is another day

We can slow down cause tomorrow is a mile away

And live like shooting stars

Cause you can wish away forever

But you’ll never find a thing like today

Eden / End Credits

There is something about being young, 16-18 years old I would guess based on the number of texts and FaceTime. We talk about today as though it’s all that matters. Tomorrow is just another today. And in each moment…perfection. Everything feels so right. Warm touch, beautiful smile, laughter…so much laughter…and tears. It’s real. Authentic. Honest. Vulnerable.

And I am broken. And she is hurting. Pain has a way of baring your soul to the world in the most vulnerable fashion. And so, when two broken souls connect, the vulnerability that is shared is magical. It’s freeing. And that is what relationships should be…freeing, empowering, supportive, and never ever trapped. Let loose…never bind. And yes! Us. Because we are vulnerable, because we are hurting. Because we are broken. BUT…we won’t hurt forever. One day we will heal and when that day becomes will we lock our vulnerability up with it?

JP: “I’m not being naive but naive is right around the corner”.

M: “The whole thing about naive is that you don’t know…so…”

JP: “but I’m telling you I’m not being naive”

M: “because you wouldn’t know if you were”

And he’s right. And still he offers no answer to the question “what should I do then”? I know the answer. The answer is today. Everyday. Because connection. Because friendship. Because comfort. Because love. Because cheese platters and Hubcap. Because Court Jester and Donald Miller. Because Michael W Smith and Magic 8 Ball. Because Tigers.
Because today. Because everyday.  You. Always you.
And tommorow? It’s just another today…

You’ll never find a thing like today

Hurting. Healing. Hurting.

People who are hurting want to believe the worst.
People who are healing need to believe the best.

And it seems I spend most of my time somewhere in between. Hurting. Healing. Hurting. Healing. Effing up. Healing. Healing. Healing. Effing up again. Hurting. Healing.

And lately, and I mean quite a good few weeks lately, I’ve believed the best about T. And that is a good sign of healing. And I’m still hurting.

Every time I convince myself that I’m over the hurt I get a solid gut punch to the stomach. And lately, and I mean quite a good few weeks lately, the pain has been short lived before it has turned to life. I’m not sure entirely what I mean by that so…let’s see…

Pain becomes Sadness becomes Neutral becomes Optimism. In the optimism I find joy and then the cycle starts again. Life.

I hate pain. Emotional pain specifically. Physical pain I can tolerate…when something in my body hurts I tend to know exactly what is wrong and how I can fix it. Emotional pain I often don’t even recognize until it’s got me hurting so bad I just want to roll up in a big old ball and cry. Which is often exactly what I need to do.

“Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something”
-The Princess Bride

And in pain there is often beauty. And if I can figure out how to accept my pain I’ll be much better off. But that is easier said than done. So for now, for today, I’ll focus on the joy that optimism has brought to my life. And I’ll smile. Because despite what you may have heard…today is a great day.

Hurting. Healing. Hurting.

I love you

I love you. And you know that. And I also know that you know exactly what I mean when I say “I love you”…it means I love you and will always love you and that our love is not and will not be conventional nor should it ever be.

Those three words have haunted humanity for far too long. We hesitate speaking them for fear that the love is not returned. But people have no idea what love is. They think it’s sex, or marriage, or commitment. They think it is an exclusive phrase that if not returned can only mean rejection.

But love is far more about compassion than anything else. And the more we open our hearts to love others the more our hearts will be. Full. Complete. Comforted.

Society restricts our use of these words, they suggest we should rarely say them and save each letter for those who we “really love”. But that isn’t love and that isn’t what we need. Love can be a late night cuddle with a close friend  or someone calling you out on your shit or a deep connection with someone you barely know and yet know completely.

Love is. And should be. And I love you.

I love you

So much you

Love in the past has felt needy. Insecure. Afraid. The more I loved the more I needed. The more I feared. But you. Always you. You have taken my broken heart and covered it with compassion. You have shared yourself and allowed me to share. Equally. Uninhibited.  And you. Always you. You are free. To love, to leave, to hold, to hide, to be. And I want only to share you with your needs, to fill your heart as you fill mine. And together we love and share love and know that expectations only dampen our ability to experience each other. 
True love is often whispered about as though it is found only in dreams. But who’s love is true? A love that is hidden? A love that is obnoxious? Or simply a love that is?
We. Are. 
And tomorrow we may not. But forever is a long time and forever I will love you. 
You. Always you. So much you. 

So much you

Intimacy

Our intimacy is so much more than sex. So much so that I don’t think it can be stopped. Even completely separated, severed from seeing, being, talking, texting the intimacy stays. That is what is so beautiful about our friendship…relationship…our love. As I lay in bed last night, reflecting on the beauty of our day and knowing that you were miles away, in an argument that would most likely put an end to our sexual intimacy…i could feel you. I was, once again, comforted by you, despite being alone…and I wanted so badly to be a comfort to you in your time of stress.  A beautiful paradox. Complicated. Yes, so very complex and so very beautiful. Me wanting you and having you yet at the same time stepping back? Not back…not yet. I step to the side because that is what today requires. And my heart is full knowing that someday we will either rejoin each other physically or we will settle in to be the best of friends and in both we will fill each other with joy. We will comfort and laugh and cry and we will be.

Sex is an amazing expression of passion but not sex…that just might be even more intimate.

You can have love without passion and passion without love, as their defining characteristics are commitment and lust, but what about intimacy? Intimacy is the joining of commitment with passion to create a deeper connection than either love or lust can fulfill. Intimacy stands on it’s own…in all forms, everything, present or not, you. Always you.

Or perhaps intimacy is simply two souls recognizing their brokenness yet forever committed to each other, for each other.  Perhaps it is all a dream.

And what of love? And why do we fear it? Why do we hold off on even saying the word? A fearful love is not. It’s something other…a failure in waiting…time ticking away the seconds towards inevitable pain. And yes, life is pain, but love…love should be welcomed and embraced. Grab hold, every chance you get and cling to love so that you can be loved and in that love you will find peace.

Hearts break. Souls do not. Do not fear your heart being broken, let rather your soul be forever entwined with others…and do not limit the amount of others you allow in. For in each relationship is a new love…to be loved.

We sing “love hurts” as we run to fulfill our insecure promises. And even before the pain has reached us we start building our walls; working hard to protect our hearts against the one thing our souls actually need. Love. We scream “keep out” for fear that our heart will break…and it will…and it should. Hearts break. Souls do not. Love will break your heart but fill your soul when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Intimate.

Do not try and own your love for in doing so you will only be incomplete. Instead set your love free and know that when life moves relationships away your souls will forever be together. Connected. Comforted.

My heart will stop beating, of this I am sure. My soul will never part you, for it is a part of you and together we shall forever be connected.

You. Always you.

Intimacy

I am scared

Finalized the details of our divorce. In the middle of mediation I realized I felt angry at T and blamed her for making us go through this. I also realized the hypocrisy  of this anger because I want this divorce too.

I’m scared. So very scared. To be alone…to be responsible…that we are messing our kids up…to have to find a new home…and figure out how to fill a spice rack? Tonight I found myself lost…staring at all our spices and wondering how I was going to figure out which spices I want in MY home.

I can laugh about it now…but I also have to recognize that the fear was real. I also don’t trust myself to make good decisions. I’ve often allowed the pain and fear to control me. I numb myself to survive. And I am so sad and scared and lonely…yet I am not alone and I am often happy…and occasionally brave and now, in this moment, I am scared.

I am scared

Insecure

I don’t think that T actually knows me. And, i’ve come to realize, that for our entire relationship I have been very insecure around her. It’s my fault and it’s odd. I’m extremely confident in other aspects…just not around her. At least not until lately…which I think has been a problem because I feel she takes my confidence as aggression or defensiveness.

I recognize this is entirely my fault. My insecurity has kept me from opening myself up to her. And this is what she has asked for the past 16 years. I couldn’t do it…not with her anyway.

Of course we have different needs…and we were constantly unable to fill each others desires, despite the fact that we both tried. I guess its just sad…I hope one day I will be able to show her who I really am.

 

Insecure

Comfort

When I think about you, I think about so much more than you. I think about us, and life, and the future, and today and how the future is so connected with today, connected with this moment, each moment with you. Sure, i think about your beauty…your gorgeous face, our intimate times together. But that’s just beauty. And that’s just a small part of what makes you attractive. I think about comfort. So much comfort. That’s whats so hard to define…and yet you know it. You feel it…and still I want to tell you about it. You make me comfortable, free, open, honest, vulnerable, peaceful…you.

And in the midst of all this comfort I am standing in a storm where there is little shelter. Home, Children, you. You. Outsiders shake their head and tell me the shelter will not stand…but what do they know of comfort. Do they know our connection?

When we are together the only thing that matters is that we are together. That is comfort. That is connection.

People want to talk “forever”, they ask “what if”, they tell me my future, but they know nothing of today.

“Till death do us part”… Why speak of death when joining two souls? And when both souls know that death will not part them…this is love. This is togetherness. Our bodies may part, our moments may change, situations arise and life brings new directions but souls bound together by our random universe will never part. And I am not afraid.

Tomorrow will be. Just as today is. And I am so grateful for today.

You. Always you.
Comfort